Pregnancy Is No Joke

Via Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep Facebook

March 31, 2015

"April Fool’s Day tends to see MANY posts claiming’ I’m PREGNANT!” to be followed by “APRIL FOOLS!!!”

We know that pregnancy isn't a joke. For families who have lost a baby, for families struggling with infertility, pregnancy is REALLY not a joke. Finding positive ways to respond can be difficult especially when you just want to unload on someone that just posted that to their Facebook page. But just remember; they post this out of innocence and ignorance, something you no longer possess. For many of us there was a time when we too possessed that innocence and ignorance about all the things that could happen in pregnancy. We believed that pregnancy was a time of nothing but morning sickness and joy and little, tiny baby shoes, and cupcakes and flowers at a baby shower. That innocence goes out the door when a baby dies.

So, how to respond? There are a couple of ways:

1) DON’T! Just ignore it. That person posting that ‘joke’ didn’t do it to spite anyone. They have the beautiful bliss of innocence. YOU don’t belong to THAT club anymore, but remember when you did?

2) Respond positively. Don’t lash out in anger. Use what YOU KNOW to gently remind others that pregnancy, for many isn't a joke. Your power is in knowing better and sharing in a positive way is educational and will allow others to open their eyes to infant death. Lashing out only makes people feel defense and shut down to learning more about you, about your loss, about the pain and the journey. How YOU respond makes a difference in how others will react. By educating kindly it spreads awareness in a positive way.

Go to the NILMDTS Facebook page to share with us other ways to respond. Let’s use our incredibly strong base of families of loss to help educate and open conversations. "


Love,

Annie

Considering Becoming A NILMDTS Volunteer? This Info Webinar Is For You!

Via NILMDTS Facebook

Have you ever considered becoming a NILMDTS affiliated photographer, but you are not sure where to start?  Well this webinar is for you!  Register quick as there are only 3 dates left in March!

https://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org/volunteer/informational-webinars/

Love

Annie

What is Complicated Grief?

As I am continuing my effort to gather and make information easily accessible for our NILMDTS families here in the Ottawa/Gatineau area (and to other families in the same situation), here is a short article describing "complicated grief".

It is described as the type of grief that takes over a person's life and that is more long lasting in nature.  I found it very informative.

http://www.complicatedgrief.org/bereavement

Love

Annie

5 Rights of Bereaved Parents

Via NILMDTS Facebook

If YOU are the one having to face this every morning then YOU should have some rights . . . RIGHT?
Still Standing Magazine ran this recent post and it holds some good information.
Ultimately what we need to remember is to be kind to ourselves while we are in the process of grief and mourning. It's hard enough to deal with as it stands but when expectations (oh, people love to put expectations on this!) are thrown at you too it can feel overwhelming.

http://stillstandingmag.com/2015/03/5-rights-bereaved-parent/

Grieving is Hard Work / Le Deuil n'est pas Chose Facile

Via NILMDTS Facebook

Grieving is hard work, often done quietly, internally, and alone. But sometimes we just NEED to talk out loud. NEED to say the words, "My heart is broken".

And we NEED others to understand those words and not be afraid of them. Just hear them and treat those words with a bit of understanding and compassion. And maybe throw in a hug . . . hugs are good.

Grieving is hard work . . .

__________________________

Le deuil n'est pas chose pacile.  Il est souvent silencieux, interne et solitaire.  Mais parfois tout ce que nous avons BESOIN est d'en parler à voix haute.  Un BESOIN de laisser sortir les mots, "J'ai le coeur brisé".

Et nous avons BESOIN de la compréhension de ceux qui nous entourent, afin qu'ils comprennent et n'aient pas peur de ces mots.  Simplement entendre ces mots, et les traiter avec un peu de compassion et de compréhension.  Et peut-être une caresse... Elles font du bien.

Le deuil n'est pas chose facile...

Interview with the Ottawa Citizen / Entrevue avec le Ottawa Citizen

English Text Follows

Hier, Véronique, ma Coordinatrice Régionale pour NILMDTS Ottawa/Gatineau et moi-même avons eu une entrevue avec un journaliste du journal Ottawa Citizen.  Il est en train de monter un article sur le travail bénévole que nous offrons, ainsi que des services offerts en soins palliatifs périnatal par la maison Roger's, située tout près de CHEO.

Le but de cet article est en deux temps; Faire connaître les services disponibles dans la région afin de sensibiliser le plus de gens possible face au deuil périnatal afin de pouvoir bien supporter les familles y faisant face, et faire connaître NILMDTS, et combien nos services sont si important pour les familles vivant le deuil d'un petit ange.

Véronique et moi avons bien hâte de vous partager cet article!

________________________________

Yesterday, my NILMDTS Area Coordinator and myself were interviewed by the Ottawa Citizen newspaper.  The journalist is writing an article on the volunteer work we do, as well as the palliative care outreach program (perinatal hospice) at the Roger's House, located on the grounds of the CHEO Hospital.

The goal of this article is twofold; Raise awareness of the services offered here, in the Region, to ensure more people understand perinatal loss and the importance to talk about it for the families' sake, and put NILMDTS' services out there, so that more people are aware of what we do and how important our services are, especially for families grieving little angels.

Véronique and I can't wait to share this article with you!

The Untold Stories

Via Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep Facebook (March 10, 2015)

The stories shared on our page are a gift to read. But it is the untold stories from years ago, FINALLY being told, that bring us a special feeling. When we hear from moms and dads that lost babies 20, 30, 40, or more years ago, when we hear them tell us that they feel free to openly and safely share on this page, we are filled with gratitude. 
It wasn't so long ago that babies were swept away from outstretched arms of mothers who BEGGED for just one look, just one chance to hold and say goodbye. Imagine being expected to go home and just act like nothing happened. Imagine not being permitted to say a word to anyone about this great loss. Imagine never getting to say goodbye, never getting one memento to hold onto for remembrance.
We hold a special place of honor for these parents and when we get the chance to have them share with all of us, tell us of their babies gone so long ago but still loved like it was yesterday, we feel privileged to listen.
We don't want there to be untold stories. We want to hear them all, share them all, talk openly and lovingly about all the little ones that come and go too soon. 

NILMDTS Is Celebrating 10 Years!

It has been 10 years since the founding of NILMDTS. In these past 10 years we have had the extreme honor of providing Infant Remembrance photography to well over 30,000 families world-wide. 
The images in this mosaic represent less then 1% of the photographs we have provided families since 2005.

These images overlaying the iconic image of Co-Founder Cheryl Haggard cradling her son Maddux remind us that, "No foot is so small that is cannot leave an imprint on this world".

As we move into our 10th year, we thank ALL OF YOU for allowing us to be a part of your lives at such a painful and private time. Capturing your loving moments, your gentle touches, your tearful good-byes, and your incredible love for your babies has been our privilege.

Learn more about NILMDTS and how you can volunteer or donate:
www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org

6 Tips For Talking To Parents Who Have Lost A Child

Andy Gillette, a father of loss has some AMAZINGLY PERFECT advice for you all to share! 

Hello. My name is Andy, and I'm involved in an infant-loss support-group in Arlington, VA called MIS Share. My wife and I lost our son, Simon, at 38 weeks almost exactly one year ago. First, thank you so, so, so much for your group; we were fortunate enough to have a NILMDTS photographer, and we cherish our pictures (we wish we let her take more of our little guy). Last October, I wrote a "tips for talking to parents who have experienced a loss" post that got a lot shares/likes, and the folks in our support group started sharing it with their network and got a really good response from friends and family members, too. 

Talking to a parent who has lost a child isn’t easy for friends and family. Here are 6 tips for talking with parents that we've learned through many hard, great conversations with some amazing (amazing) friends after we lost out son a few days before his due date. Feel free to share.

1. Acknowledge It: Before this happened to us, I TOTALLY would have gotten this one wrong. The biggest fear we heard from friends was that by calling, it would make us feel sad by bringing it up. Turns out, though, it's really comforting to hear something from a friend, even if it's the "wrong" thing. The people who acknowledge it by addressing it are awesome. Days or months or years after, don't worry about "reminding" a parent of their child's death; it's pretty much all they think about, and they love talking about him or her, too (they're proud parents like anyone else). If you don't know what to say, google for advice or just say "I have no idea what to say, but I love you." 

2. Follow Up For The Win: You're amazing if you call or write a letter right after it happens. You're a super star if you follow up even once later on. You'll be LOVED ETERNALLY if you reach out multiple times and--most especially--on anniversaries (monthly anniversaries at first, but later on each year: add his/her birthday to your calendar with the others, make a note to write a Mother's/Father's Day card each year). We've met many parents who--17 years later--cry like it happened yesterday; parents need support for a long, long, long, long time. 

3. Baby Talk: People who talk about your baby like they talk about other babies are pretty much the bees knees. Validate the baby's life: use his/her name often if the child was named; add him/her to the family prayers; ask questions. Refer to the parents as "parents," and--if you're family--refer to yourself as an uncle or aunt or cousin, or add one more to the tally of the number of grand kids you brag about. Some parents may have pictures; ask to check them out, or ask to look at any keepsakes they got from the hospital or during the pregnancy. Did I just walk by your refrigerator and see my son's picture mixed in with the other pictures?! YOU'RE GETTING A BEAR HUG! 

4. No Exchanges: The best conversations are about the individual who passed away. There's a totally understandable tendency to offer hope in the form of "Don't worry, you'll get pregnant again" (and this is another thing I TOTALLY would have done, too, and found counter intuitive after having gone through it). While many parents do want to get pregnant again, the best conversations aren't references to other, future children; those people seem to get that no other child would be a replacement for the one who was lost. If there were twins and one survived or if there are living older siblings, those parents are still mourning the loss of a child, so "at least you have the one" is not comforting. For us, we didn't lose "a baby" that we would like to replace with "another baby"; we lost out first-born son, Simon Alexander, who had a lot of hair and a million other things that make him the unique person he is. Ten kids later, we'll still miss the Si-Guy. 

5. Inquiring Minds: It's sort of counter intuitive, but inquisitive folks are great, and friends who ask a lot of questions still make me happy. Though it can be emotional or sad, many people find relief in talking about their experience from early pregnancy to those final fateful days, even the most tragic parts of the ordeal. Unlike an adult who has died--who leaves behind years of stories and pictures and knickknacks--parents of infants who have passed have precious few memories to savor. Even those worst moments can be nice to think about and share for that reason. 

6. Just Do It: The best ones don't ask what they can do; they just do it. Come over, make the meal, send the card, mow the grass, clean the toilets. In the first few weeks you're so out of your mind you can't make any decisions; everyone who popped by or just did things made us feel wonderful. The specific action being taken is way less important than the thoughtfulness behind trying to help. Finally, the sucky truth of the matter is that the whole situation just sucks. A child lost a life; the parents are grief stricken; and--honestly--it's just going to suck sometimes to be the friend or family member of someone going through this. It's an unfair burden for the friends and family, and even if you do everything right there are going to be times when the other person still gets upset due to the grief. And it changes things: the parents are different people now. It's not fair to the friends and family, but those who change with us are incredible friends. Thank you, thank you, thank you all for doing so.

Via Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep Facebook

Grief Has A Mind Of Its Own

Grief has a mind of its own. You have to soak it in in order to find your way to live with it, in your own timeframe. This piece is both filled with great insight and sweet humor.

Le deuil ne s'efface pas de lui même.  Il faut se laisser submerger afin d'apprendre a vivre avec, en nos propre termes, en notre propre temps.  Cet article est rempli d'un humour tendre ainsi que de précieux conseils.

Grief Has A Mind Of Its Own

NILMDTS Ottawa / Gatineau Team

En 2014, notre équipe de bénévole NILMDTS Ottawa/Gatineau a répondu à 38 appels, ce qui est 15 de plus que l'an dernier. 

Toutes ces familles restent gravées dans nos mémoires. Et nous sommes fiers de faire parti de la famille NILMDTS. 

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In 2014, our Gatineau/Ottawa NILMDTS volunteer team has answered to 38 calls. It is 15 more than last year...

We never forget the families we serve. And we are proud to say that we are part of the NILMDTS family.

Mother & Child Are Linked At The Cellular Level

I Carry Your Heart With Me.  I Carry It In My Heart.

E.E. Cummings

What an interesting article. I was not aware that baby cells crossed the placenta during pregnancy, and can remain with the mother into old age. What a little relief this could be for grieving parents, to know that a small part of their precious angel is still alive, within.

Mother & Child Linked at the Cellular Level

 

Born Still, By Tricia Richards

Beautiful poem by Tricia Richards, shared with NILMDTS <3

Twice Born, on PBS March 31st 2015

On March 31st on PBS there will be an AMAZING documentary and we wanted to share this information with you. Check your own local listings for the time. 

The documentary is called, "TWICE BORN, Stories from the Special Delivery Unit". Hope is something that all parents have when they face a difficult prognosis for their babies. Everyday doctors and researchers are working to find ways to make the hopes a reality and this documentary explores this. 

Please watch this trailer for the program and set those DVR's!! Maybe, just maybe, someday we won't have so much sorrow and loss. There is hope! 

Goals & Grieving: Why They Should Coexist

"What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals." - Henry David Thoreau

This article comes from the blog of Jen Lynn Arnold.  Jen is a mother who has lost a son to cancer in 2010.  Her blog, Hope In the Storm, is about her journey through grief, and about her quest for undertanding, healing and hope.

Goals & Grieving: Why They Should Coexist

Broken Heart Syndrome

Broken Heart Syndrome. A VERY REAL health issue and a reminder that when we are grieving our bodies are going through a great deal of stress and this is when we MUST take good care of ourselves. It can be the hardest thing to do, just trying to eat, let alone eat something healthy. It can be the hardest thing to do, just getting out of bed, let alone taking a walk. PLEASE just listen to your bodies and take special care of yourselves! Treat yourselves well, with love and respect. Carry that broken heart gently and don't let it get any more broken! Find support around you, talk to your doctor if needed, talk to others, share here, find a support group on line . . . just do what ever you need to stay as well as you can while your healing begins and continues. 

Via Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep Facebook

Broken Heart Syndrome Article 

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